How much do you value time together, versus time apart? Will one of you expect to do everything together as a married unit, while the other needs a lot of me-time? “When you’re dating, you’re spending a ton of time together,” Jamea says.”Once settled into a married routine, a lot of people find that they miss their independence—and they may pull back a little bit.”
How do you expect to cope with our sexual ebbs and flows? This is a more productive question to ask than “how often will we have sex?,” according to Jamea, because that frequency will fluctuate over time. “Sexual satisfaction can correlate to relationship satisfaction,” she adds, “so it’s important that couples are more or less on the same page when it comes to what they want from the sexual part of their relationship.”
Do you want kids? Your answers might change over the years, but it’s still important to touch base on now. “If one person says ‘100 percent I want kids,’ and the other says ‘I 100 percent don’t,’ that’s probably going to be a no-go moving forward,” says Jamea.
“I encourage people to have these conversations before they’ve even gotten to the engagement point, because it can be really hard to walk away once you start to plan a wedding and you’re feeling excited,” Jamea explains.
How do you expect to get sexual needs met, if I’m not meeting them? This may open the door to sharing your views on masturbation, pornography, or even the idea of consensual non-monogamy such as an open marriage.
Is your parent’s marriage part of your inspiration to marry? “If so, why? And if not, why is that?” Wiley asks. “Talk through what a successful union looks like to each of you.”
Therapist Erin Wiley, MA, agrees. “As a marriage counselor, I wish I could work with couples before they get married. Most of the couples I see for therapy come in with problems that have been brewing for years,” she says. “People see marriage differently, and have differing beliefs and expectations.”Emily Jamea, PhD, a Texas-based sex and relationship therapist, says that plenty of well-meaning couples don’t know what to talk about before getting engaged. Though your goals and preferences will shift over time, answering a kind of pre-engagement questionnaire now can save you some future conflicts, she says. Or, the questions will at least prepare you to effectively resolve them together. By the time you and your significant other have gotten serious enough to sign a certificate, you might assume that you know everything about each other. Yet, we contain multitudes, and there are still many topics couples should talk about—but often neglect to—until the walk down the aisle is long behind them. Ask the right questions before marriage, and you’ll likely uncover needs, dreams, and expectations for your life together that you hadn’t considered. While there are numerous divorce studies with conflicting statistics, the data points to two periods during a marriage when divorces are most common: years 1 – 2 and years 5 – 8. During those two high-risk timeframes, two years in particular that stand out as the most common years for divorce — years 7 and 8.
What are the 4 things in marriage?
Mutual respect. As unromantic as it sounds, having mutual respect for each other will be a huge benefit to your relationship. … Acceptance. There are no two ways about it; you must accept the man you have married. … Common courtesy. … Compromise. … More relationship advice.
The rate of divorce after 10 years is 48% for those who marry before the age of 18. However, the rate is just 25% for those who marry after the age of 25. And as far as divorce after 25 years of marriage, the primary reasons appear to be a lack of communication, unresolved issues from the past, and a lack of mutual growth.
There are all types of reasons for divorce. Some of the most commonly cited causes include financial disagreements, lack of intimacy, lack of equality in the marriage, poor communication, addiction, and abuse.
But what is the most common age to get divorced? The average age for a couple entering their first divorce is 30 years old. And 60% of divorces involve spouses between the ages of 25 and 39. Women are more likely to file for divorce than men. The highest divorce rate is for African-American women aged 50 to 59. Conversely, the lowest divorce rate is for Asian women between 25 and 29 years old.Having financial clarity, finding a support system, and shunning negativity can help couples weather marital storms. The family law firm of Buncher Family Law has significant experience in all of these matters and can help guide you toward the best course of action for your specific case.
The reasons may differ but what is similar is that grey divorce is not the same as a typical divorce. Most grey divorce clients are retired, near retirement, or have reasons why they aren’t yet retired.Marriage and divorce statistics vary from state to state. But what is the divorce rate in California? Divorce rates are difficult to pinpoint, but you may have heard the commonly cited statistic that 50% of marriages in California end in divorce. Some suggest that California’s rate may be high as 10% over the national average, sitting at 60%.
It is no surprise, that marital infidelity is the number one reason for divorce. According to a study from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, as many as 25% – of married men and 15% – of married women have had extramarital affairs.
Grey divorce refers to a divorce involving individuals who are 50 years or older. And among couples in that age range, the divorce rate has doubled over the past two decades. The past few years have focused attention on more than a few high-profile divorces such as Bill and Melinda Gates and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver.The charm of intertwined fingers, a touch that speaks volumes without uttering a word. This simple yet profound gesture can connect heartstrings and souls easily!
What are the 5 C's of marriage?
Communication, Commitment, Compassion, Compatibility, and Chemistry.
Physical intimacy is the secret ingredient that keeps the romance alive in a relationship, and it’s worth taking a closer look at. So, try and assess the state of your intimacy with these marriage questions to ask.
The marriage audit involves a series of necessary questions and conversations aimed at uncovering your union insights, fostering communication, and rekindling the flame of love.
Step out of your comfort zones and try something you’ve never done before. It could be a cooking class, a paint-and-sip session, or even an impromptu road trip. Embrace the thrill of the unknown and create memories that will spice up your daily routine. By asking these thought-provoking marriage audit questions, you can learn how to reignite the spark, deepen your connection, and find that joyous love you’ve been missing. Throughout the day, find small opportunities to make ordinary moments magical. Turn your everyday grocery run into a treasure hunt for unique ingredients or transform your evening walk into a chance to explore new paths and discover hidden gems in your neighborhood. So, if you find that your ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ routine is missing that kiss, it’s time to bring it back! Seal your greetings and farewells with a loving peck. Let it be a daily reminder of your love and a symbol of the deep bond you share. Remember, talking isn’t just about the words we say—it’s also about nonverbal cues, empathy, and understanding. And let’s not forget the power of humor! Laughter can lighten even the heaviest of conversations and bridge gaps like a comedic tightrope walker.It’s amazing how a little change in perspective can make even the most routine activities feel exciting. And do not forget date nights! Break the routine by planning surprise dates or alternating who takes the lead in choosing the activity.
Always take a moment each day to acknowledge and appreciate the little things your partner does for you. Thank them for their unconditional love, support, and all those adorable quirks that make them who they are.
Put some thought into your clothing choices, groom yourself with care, and consider how these small acts can contribute to the overall quality of your relationship.In fact, couples may need to put a lot of effort into certain aspects of companionship to live a healthy marriage. So, grab your spouse’s hand, and use these ten fantastic tips that will help keep the flame alive and the love strong in your marriage!You must encourage personal growth, pursue separate hobbies, and allow space for self-expression. Enjoy your unique personalities, dreams, and interests together. By honoring each other’s originality, you’ll create a marriage that thrives on both unity and freedom.
When you complain about your partner to others, it’s like spreading bad vibes like a contagious yawn. You might start noticing a negative shift in how you view your partner, which may also affect your interactions.
Remember, it requires effort and a willingness to step out of your comfort zones. But the rewards are worth it—an enhanced bond, increased pleasure, and a renewed sense of intimacy.
Be each other’s biggest cheerleaders, advocates, and best friends at the same time. Embrace the beauty of your love story and let it inspire you to nurture your marriage every single day.
What truly matters is how your marriage makes you feel in the grand scheme of things. Does it provide a sense of belonging, acceptance, and unconditional love? Does it inspire you to become the best version of yourself, knowing that you have a teammate cheering you on?To tackle this, ensure indulging in open and genuine communication during tough times. Offer support, understanding, and a shoulder to lean on. Remember, it’s not about winning arguments but finding resolutions that support your love and bring you closer.
Healthy communication is the glue that holds marriages together, and like any skill, it requires practice and fine-tuning. So, take a moment to understand: “How well do you and your partner communicate?”Try to keep the intimacy alive by surprising your partner with sweet gestures. Write love notes, plan spontaneous dates, or create a cozy atmosphere for a bath with candles and soft music.
Why is the 7th year of marriage the hardest?
The 7-Year Itch is the idea that marriages start to decline or end in divorce around the seven-year mark due to boredom or even unhappiness. Either one or both partners can feel the 7-Year Itch and can be produced by several different factors, including: Lack of communication. Miscommunication.
You must also remember that sharing hobbies or interests isn’t everything. It’s totally cool if you have different passions that excite you. Accept those differences and celebrate the fact that you bring unique flavors to the relationship.Think about it: When you and your partner part ways in the morning, do you give each other a quick peck on the cheek, a gentle smooch, or a full-blown, passionate make-out? And when you reunite after a long day, is there a heartfelt kiss waiting to welcome you home?While it’s natural for the intensity of these efforts to lessen over time, it’s influential to maintain a basic level of self-care that shows your partner you still value their perception of you.
If you find yourselves in a sensual slump, it’s possible to reignite the flame. Start by engaging in honest conversations about your urges and fantasies. Explore each other’s bodies, experiment with new patterns, and find what makes both of you quiver with delight.So make time to engage in heartfelt conversations with your partner. Share your dreams, fears, and victories, and be genuinely interested in what they have to say.
In this future vision, you must picture yourselves as a well-oiled team, guiding life’s twists and turns with grace and resilience. Have you achieved some of your long-held dreams, whether it’s buying your dream home, starting a family, or pursuing thrilling new career paths?
Remember, marriage is a sweet journey filled with ups and downs. It’s about accepting each other’s quirks, sharing never ending laughter, and supporting each other’s dreams.With the marriage audit 12 questions and these fantastic tips, you can create a connection that will surpass all challenges and flourish with loving feelings till you grow old together!
Come on, admit it! We’ve all been guilty of letting off some steam to our friends or family about those little quirks or annoying habits that drive us crazy on a regular basis.
This isn’t about clinging to impossible beauty standards or constantly striving for perfection. It’s merely about making an effort to show yourself in a way that reflects your appreciation for your partner.Make a conscious effort to carve out precious moments of togetherness. Whether it’s a candlelit dinner, a sunset stroll, or simply cuddling on the couch, these moments create lasting memories and nurture the bond you share.
Every marriage is a unique story of emotions, woven together by experiences, challenges, and triumphs. It’s natural to have a myriad of feelings when reflecting on your union.
But in between the chaos and challenges, it’s essential to carve out moments of genuine happiness. So, take a moment to ponder: How often do you feel truly and unabashedly happy?Remember, this crystal ball vision is just a snapshot of what’s possible. The beauty of your marriage lies in the unexpected twists and turns that shape your journey together.Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman once said, “The quality of your marriage is directly related to the quality of your friendship.” And that’s where the marriage audit 12 questions come in.
What are the 4 fundamentals of marriage?
Expressing gratitude, working selflessly, laughing together, and nurturing faith are important keys to building an eternal marriage. Marriage can be challenging for anyone at any stage of the relationship.
A marriage audit is a thoughtful process that allows married couples to evaluate the state of their relationship! It helps them pinpoint areas of strength and improvement, and ultimately deepen their love.While it may not always be a bed of roses (we’ve all had our thorny moments), a healthy marriage can be an extraordinary source of joy and satisfaction. However, it is not easy to succeed in a serious relationship. But here’s the good news: you hold the power to reignite that passion and strengthen the connection with your partner. And it all begins with the Marriage Audit 12 Questions. Sure, it feels good to get things off your chest and have a sympathetic ear. But have you ever stopped to think about the impact it has on your relationship?You get nostalgic thinking of the laughter, the butterflies, and that undeniable spark that lit up the room whenever you were together. But as time went by, life happened. Responsibilities piled up, routines settled in, and somehow, that radiant flame began to flicker!
Never stop wooing and making each other feel cherished and adored. Always remember, romance is the magical element that is going to keep your hearts connected.
From choosing a movie to deciding on a vacation destination, practice the art of compromise. Remember, the real victory lies in finding solutions that make both of you happy. Recall those early days when you would dress up and primp before a date? You would shop for new clothes, get a shiny watch, put on a sweet perfume, and just present your best self to impress them. Try sharing hilarious memes, remembering amusing stories from your past, or simply finding delight in the little things. And always remember, laughter has the power to improve your relationship’s bond.Finding shared passions is like uncovering a hidden treasure together. It’s because a shared activity gives you both a comfortable and fun space to be yourself!
What are the 7 C's of marriage?
Using the 7 Cs as a basis for guiding assessment, chapters move through key areas of couple functioning including communication, conflict resolution, culture, commitment, caring and sex, contract, and character.
Well, guess what? Your lovely laughter doesn’t have to fade away with age. A healthy marriage is one where you can bring back that childlike sense of humor and feel the joy of shared laughter.
In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, quality time often gets replaced with responsibilities and commitments. But don’t let life’s whirlwind separate you from your partner.
Are you ready to bring back the magic in your marriage? Then, dive into the Marriage Audit 12 Questions and test your relationship’s bond and connection today!
But hey, no worries if you find room for improvement! Communication is a lifelong journey, and it’s never too late to enhance your skills. Consider exploring new strategies, such as active listening exercises or couples’ workshops, to strengthen the way you connect with each other. Break free from your boring daily routine and explore new activities together. Take a spontaneous road trip, try out a thrilling sport, or even do a cooking competition where you both attempt to prepare a mouthwatering recipe. Well, maybe your marriage has evolved into a beautiful tapestry of shared experiences. You’ve traveled to far-off lands, created memories that make you both laugh out loud and found peace in the quiet moments of connection.
It could be anything from binge-watching an entire Netflix series in one sitting to collecting funky socks to match. It may be painting an open canvas together or going to the gym every day.
Life’s challenges and conflicts are inescapable, but what matters is how you move past them together. Do you navigate them hand in hand, or do the storms bring fights and negativity in your relationship?
Take that morning routine, for example. Instead of robotically going through the motions, try something new together. Whip up a fancy breakfast, have a mini dance party in the kitchen, or share funny tales from your dreams. Start your day with a smile and a dash of spontaneity!In the end, a marriage may be one of the most beautiful things to experience! So, cherish the highs, navigate the lows, and continue to nurture a bond that brings you comfort, happiness, and a profound sense of fulfillment.
Keep the romance alive, dig new things together, and never forget to celebrate individuality. May your love story be filled with countless joyful moments and a happily-ever-after that surpasses all expectations!
One of the necessary marriage audit 12 questions: Are you and your partner still experiencing those electrifying connections? Or has your intimate life become a predictable chore?
Will you still be the dynamic duo, inseparable and filled with love and joy? Or will you have ventured on exciting new adventures, welcoming change and growth together?
If you find yourself nodding in agreement, fear not, for you’re not alone. Every marriage goes through its highs and lows, facing challenges that test the very foundation of love.
Imagine your hands coming together, fingers interlacing like a beautifully choreographed dance. It’s a touch that transcends words, a silent language of love and reassurance.
Why not make it a priority to keep that laughter alive in your relationship? Seek out the silly, embrace the whimsical, and never underestimate the power of a good joke or a playful prank.So, dear married couples, take a moment to reminisce. Do you still hold hands, cherishing that intimate connection? Does your touch convey the love and support that words sometimes fail to express?In essence, a marriage audit is an opportunity for couples to sail on a journey of self-discovery, explore the depths of their connection, and nurture a love that withstands the test of time.In any healthy marriage, compromise is the untold effort for harmony. It’s not about always having things your way but finding a middle ground where both of you feel heard and valued.
What is the 7 7 7 rule for marriage?
So I recently discovered the 777 Rule for Healthy Marriages. Every 7 Days go on a date. Every 7 Weeks go on an overnight getaway. And Every 7 Months go on a week vacation.
One of the 12 questions every long term couple should ask: “When was the last time you reached out and felt the warmth of your partner’s hand in yours?”And don’t forget, listening attentively is just as important as speaking your mind. It’s a dance of words, emotions, and love that keeps your marriage flourishing. Perhaps it’s those stolen moments of solitude, where you find peace and contentment in the simple pleasures of life. Whatever it may be, it’s crucial to prioritize your happiness. Do you still feel the magnetic pull, where every touch sets your skin on fire? Are you exploring new avenues of pleasure and keeping the excitement alive? Have you been understanding each other sexual desires or has familiarity bred a boring bed life?It’s easy to let self-care and personal grooming take a back seat when you’re married. However, ignoring how you look can significantly impact the dynamics of your relationship.
These relationship audit questions offer insights for married couples to strengthen their friendship, boost their passion, and reestablish a solid foundation for a thriving partnership.
At the end of the day, you guys are a team. Complaining to others might create division and misunderstanding while addressing your concerns together can lead to growth and understanding.Save those juicy details for a heart-to-heart with your partner. Find a time when you’re both calm and open and have an honest conversation about what’s bothering you. Trust me, it can be surprisingly liberating to express your concerns directly to the source.
That little kiss holds more power than you might realize. It’s a beautiful reminder of the love and connection you share. It’s a way of saying, “Hey, I’m here for you, and I can’t wait to see you again.” A kiss is a tiny spark that ignites warmth and affection in your marriage.Hello There! Thanks for stopping by to checkout this blog, I am Ada jennifer, a wife and mother. This blog is filled with amazing ideas to help mothers be the best they can to their kids and to build relationships. If your daily routine feels like a never-ending loop of monotony, it’s time to inject some fire and excitement into your lives. Break free from the predictable and adopt a sense of adventure, even in the simplest of tasks! Laughter is not only the best medicine but also a crucial ingredient for a healthy marriage. You need to unleash your inner comedian and share those hilarious stories, ridiculous inside jokes, and embarrassing moments from your past.The alarm goes off, you rush through breakfast, tackle the never-ending to-do list, and before you know it, it’s bedtime. You wake up again, then rinse and repeat.
What are the marriage questions?
Why marriage? … How do you handle change and the unexpected? … How well do we currently handle disagreements with each other? … How much do you value time together, versus time apart? … Is your parent’s marriage part of your inspiration to marry? … Do you want kids? … What if we’re not able to have biological children?
So, ask yourself: Are you exchanging thoughts and feelings with ease? Or are you wobbling, struggling to find the right words, and stumbling over misunderstandings?
Why do they say the first year of marriage is the hardest?
The first year of marriage can feel like the hardest because it is full of changes and adjustments as you and your partner adapt to your new roles. Yet how you handle this period of adjustment is crucial to the longevity of your marriage, say researchers.
People conventionally assess and explain human relationships’ successes or failures by examining behavior patterns, such as honesty, respectfulness, listening, integrity, and other constructive exchanges. But it’s not that simple. Different personality types (which themselves may be attracted to either similar or opposite types) may demand that these expressions are both offered and received in different proportions, and at different times.The scariest part of commitment is its implication of permanence. Most who use the term “commitment” towards their partners have confessed they were initially resistant to stating it, even though they had felt strongly towards that commitment before having done so. Commitment and trust are almost interchangeable in this context. As Hemingway famously said, “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” By the same token, making a commitment to someone is often the best way to determine if you want to make a commitment to them.In practice, people who posture “openness” are more looking to express an artificial goodwill to keep a positive mood, but such patterns tend to be inauthentic, shallow and transparent. To truly be open, one must actually follow the other person’s reasoning to understand how they draw conclusions, even if one doesn’t agree with them.This may feel like a distinction without a difference, but it matters when establishing a cognitive framework. When people are in a “happy” relationship, their behaviors are more natural; many use the expression “effortless.” By contrast, relationships in trouble describe incompatibilities at very fundamental levels, including differences in values, tastes, styles, and temperaments. What people seek from relationships evolves throughout the course of their lives. How they navigate that journey begins at a very young age by observing parental behaviors. By the teenage years, people not only have their own empirical experiences, but learn through the perspective of others — books, magazines, and academics, from arts to the sciences. When conflicts arise, agreement isn’t the goal. Resolution is. This is an important distinction, because mere agreement is a form of temporary “cease fire,” a deferral of a dispute for another time.
One byproduct of resolution often implies “change” by either or both parties. This can be particularly difficult because change itself can trigger cognitive dissonance: One often associates the “need to change” as another way of saying, “I was wrong.” And this leads to a downward spiral of recrimination: Being wrong implies fault, which thereby implies a faulty character. And one’s “character” lies at the root of one’s self-identity and self-esteem.
Whenever relationships don’t work, it’s almost always that either or both partners are not looking at the other person’s point of view and appreciating the how and why they feel as they do. Such an investment of emotional attention and willingness requires compassion. It’s at this point that a circular dependency kicks in: To make the investment of compassion, one usually relies on a sense of commitment (both offered and received). And one doesn’t feel a desire (or need) to express commitment without seeing evidence of compassion.
Compatibility is relatively straightforward. Similar tastes, lifestyles, political or religious views, etc. This doesn’t suggest that two people have the same tastes or agree all the time — it’s more about the compatibility of ideas. People with dominant personalities often seek submissive partners (and vice versa). Such is the case with compatibility — sometimes opposites attract.
Inequalities are not necessarily bad for a relationship — in fact, many people come together because of them (or use them to enhance bonding). Indeed, defining and maintaining a sense of equality is highly subjective, and a couple’s ability to reach agreement on how and where boundaries lie is part of the challenge — and the reward.
What are the 12 questions marriage audit?
The marriage audit: 12 questions every long-term couple should…Do you kiss to say hello or goodbye? … How much of your communication is about logistics? … Dinner and a box set every night — is your routine too predictable? … Is the sex fun or is it a chore? … Do you still hold hands?
Disagreements will happen, but these are opportunities to gauge communication, compassion and commitment to reach resolution, which itself builds the fortress of commitment. If one is inclined to terminate a potential relationship before both parties have had a chance to learn and adapt to the other, they are less likely to make long-term commitments.While sharing big-picture values and histories may be a good foundation for many couples, it’s the Tuesday and Thursday evenings that are better forecasting tools for how well people get along on a day-to-day basis. Special events don’t draw out people’s normal, natural behaviors, especially when they don’t know each other well enough. In a survey, one subject said, “If you can see a movie and have a good, stimulating discussion — regardless of whether you agree on your reviews — then this is a sign of strong compatibility. If you are deeply moved by a film and your partner is not, then there is a potential for incompatibility.”
But this perception is not Real (in the Lacanian sense of the word). Compassion is a “frame of mind,” in that people naturally develop this sense as a byproduct of the human condition. The degree in which they may use or suppress this instinct is often rooted in psychological biases at another level, beyond the scope of this paper.
Another important element in relationships is power structures — social and familial hierarchies, race, gender and other physical or symbolic degrees of authority. Even relationships where the disparity between individuals has its own set of unique challenges, so one can imagine the difficulties for those where inequities are greater. Resolution does not require agreement — people can still differ on facts and circumstances in a dispute while still coming to resolution on more fundamental principles. As it happens, either partner may have faulty reasoning, so the exercise may be fraught with speed bumps along the way. And yes, someone can be solely “at fault” in a dispute, and it takes a healthy self-esteem to be willing to accept being entirely wrong in any given case.
Like Commitment, Compassion is also a frame of mind. It is more than just having a sense of another person. That’s empathy — the ability to sense others, such as reading body language, sensing emotional changes, and realizing how one’s own behaviors affect the other person. This is important, but compassion goes to the next level — it synthesizes an emotional bonding that translates into tangible actions.
There’s also confirmation bias, where one simply has it set in their minds that they are being victimized by their partner. (Those with strong personalities are often accused of such behaviors.) It’s also invariably the case that each side thinks they are considering the other person’s side, but it’s the other side that doesn’t recognize them. This is an important aspect to conflict resolution because compatibility is a very important factor in the equation. At the end of the day, true and authentic compassion usually results in less conflict during disagreements and a shorter path to resolution.People often erroneously feel that being “open” and “accepting” are all part of communication and contribute to resolution. But again, it’s not that simple.
As such, compassion is difficult to artificially stimulate between people who can sense authenticity. While one can certainly become skilled at the practice of psychological sleight of hand — to pretend to be compassionate — the practice risks giving an inauthentic expression.Chemistry is the wildcard: “Sometimes, you just have to be around the other person because they simply turn you on.” This isn’t necessarily always sexual. Even doing the dishes together can be bonding and even arousing for some. Of course, the opposite can happen, that you can’t stand being around someone, and you just don’t know why, even if you share other Cs. Working partners, “friends” and other daily activities between people can find good relationships because four of the five Cs work out, but chemistry is required to spark romance. The reason “chemistry” is the wildcard is because it can trump all the other C’s. That is, people may remain together for this humanistic urge, despite their lack of functional patterns that the other Cs usually predict. Behaviors in a constructive relationship feed the relationship as a whole, and individuals’ behaviors are more focused on that holistic pairing. When relationships struggle, it’s often because of a breakdown of this pattern. Under stress, individuals often pull back and try to focus on themselves and withdraw emotionally. The Five Cs are intended to illustrate basic fundamental traits that, taken as a whole, determine relationship outcomes. Each of the Cs are not binary in nature; they lie along a spectrum, and can even rise and fall temporally, like the graph of an audio equalizer as the music thumps. Experiences between people are required to see where averages fall, where dividing lines between partners emerge. When evaluating prospective partners, or working through challenging times in an established relationship, simply focusing on actions and words as guides to either form or repair a relationship is too simplistic. People will almost always instinctively react to real time stimuli using intuitive, natural responses, which are those found in the Five Cs. While no relationship is perfect, the best relationships are those where people are willing to allow themselves to stretch just a bit for the benefit of the relationship. The willingness to change is what resolves conflicts and results in a stronger bi-directional bond. This is a process that requires commitment and communication, but whose motivations are rooted in a shared feeling of compassion for the other, a compatibility of livelihood, and an underlying chemistry.To draw a simple analogy, someone without a sense of humor is unlikely to be a successful stand up comic. You can give an unfunny person scripted jokes, but humans have an innate sense for authenticity — if the comic doesn’t understand why a given joke may be funny, it won’t be delivered in a manner that “clicks” with the audience. And the problem perpetuates with failure: Recovering from a failed “joke” is not cured by moving onto the next joke in the script.
For this reason — and perhaps paradoxically — studies show that individuals rate their own level of contentment most highly when they view the relationship as having a higher priority than themselves. When the relationship wins, individuals are happier.Once again, to agree to “change” something about oneself, or to admit being wrong in a situation, risks one becoming subservient to the other — as if a debt was owed that can never be repaid. These “blame game” dysfunctions further accelerate and accentuate a downward spiral.Someone who doesn’t value a relationship (relative to other things in life, such as career, hobbies, or other interests) is not likely to work through a disagreement with a partner that needs more equilibrium. On the other hand, such a person may do fine if their partner is comfortable with such conditions. In such cases, these individuals are more likely to be more independent in their lives. For this reason, traits such as excessively low or high self-esteem, while not regarded as “positive,” can still accommodate a healthy relationship when it meets the needs of both parties. Here, “opposites attract.”
If instead, the “comedian-in-training” is given sufficient background on a topic, where they can learn about the subtle, possibly paradoxical nuances of a familiar experience, they will then realize what is actually funny about the topic, making it more likely they can deliver an authentic-sounding monologue.
[ As an undergraduate at UC Santa Cruz 1983, I took a class called, “The Biology of Learning.” The capstone project was to write a research paper on how people learn social constructs. I chose romantic relationships. In my research, I categorized what I found to be the most predictive components of “successful” relationships — those that lasted the longest and reported to be “happiest” by individuals. Those components became my conception of the Five Cs. The citations for the paper were on a different document that didn’t make it into my archives, so none are listed here. (The web didn’t yet exist, so I had to go to the actual library and look things up in physical books and magazines.) This paper is a simplistic undergraduate effort, but I find it fascinating to see how I was thinking at the age of 21. NOTE: I have edited this document to sharpen the clarity on several key points, but the text below is largely from its original form. ]
A common example is spending time alone or together, or being a “morning person” or “night person.” These differences between couples can cause friction when one party is outside of their comfort zone. Two people can agree on ways to avoid conflict, but true resolution involves being mindful and conscientious about them in daily interactions. Protocols that just avoid conflict are often destined to failure because they lack foundational root motivations.
This is why dating is hard — people often place a disproportionate weighting on the initial chemistry reading (in either direction), failing to recognize that a second chance often yields a very different read. Too many relationships end prematurely because time wasn’t given to see where the chemistry between people stabilizes. This volatility is largely because the other Cs need experiences to reveal themselves. As people find other common areas of compatibility and their communication styles are scintillating, chemistry has a tendency to grow.A similar paradigm is needed for entering into and maintaining romantic relationships: One must begin with at least a basic understanding of certain core principles about people —themselves as well as their partner. While much of human history has been invested into the complex and imprecise discover of the mysterious human condition, there are some basic principles that are common to romantic relationships that most people can relate to: The Five C’s. Communication, Commitment, Compassion, Compatibility, and Chemistry. These basic tenets combine with other personality traits that shape personality profiles, which then influence behaviors, which are ultimately expressed in actions (statements and deeds).
What year of marriage is divorce most common?
While there are numerous divorce studies with conflicting statistics, the data points to two periods during a marriage when divorces are most common: years 1 – 2 and years 5 – 8. During those two high-risk timeframes, two years in particular that stand out as the most common years for divorce — years 7 and 8.
This is not intended to imply it’s easy. Quite the opposite — years of experiences are required to master this skill, and achievement is an arbitrary and abstract endpoint. Therefore, it should be regarded more as an aspiration: to communicate constructively with one’s partner, both parties should have an eye towards achieving a better understanding of the relationship.But this simplistic approach tends to be short-sighted because “natural behaviors” follow what people intuitively understand about themselves and their partners. If one doesn’t understand the other person, let alone themselves, giving people canned behaviors like “listen” and “respect” has a tendency to backfire.To draw a distinction between these two otherwise similar perspectives on the “self” vs. the “relationship,” we look at functionality: Are individuals constructive in their personal lives, and do they feel a strong sense of identity and recognition? These are the qualities that allow individuals to feel their romantic relationship as an extension of themselves, thereby having a higher priority. It is, in effect, the smallest form of community, to which humans are genetically predisposed.Again, those who are more successful at this are those who regard the relationship as the more important entity than either of the individuals. If the relationship is happy, the individuals within it are as well. If one party is biased — or perceives bias from the other — the relationship ultimately suffers. My personal motive is more towards artificial intelligence. By deconstructing the elements of a relationship of any kind, I hope to establish a scheme by which one could simulate such relationships, albeit crudely. If one were to devise an artificial learning system to interact with humans based on these models, people would be more willing to engage with such systems for more practical (non-romantic) devices, such as automated robotic systems (potentially cars, medical care, household appliances). We may not see such systems for decades, but current pioneering research on expert systems is likely to be interested in how human relationships are modeled. Evaluating the degree of compatibility is obviously highly subjective, and therefore difficult to measure. The key to getting a realistic perspective on compatibility is understanding your own sense of what is important to you. Younger people are more elastic and resilient, often finding new experiences exhilarating, bringing them closer to their partners with whom they’ve shared those experiences. By contrast, studies show that older people become more set in their ways, have established their personal identities, and are less eager to change for the benefit of another, yet paradoxically expect potential partners to meld into their lives. One study cited a couple in their 50s who’d been together for 30 years. The man said, “When we were young, we grew together; and when we’re much older, it’ll be fine to just be together.”
Communication is about effectively articulating thoughts in such a way that the other person understands them as intended. Obviously, this is a two-way street; the other party must also interpret such expressions “as intended.” The goal is the minimize the disparity between the parties’ collective understanding of communication, and that is achieved by minimizing bias towards self-interest. That is, statements or expressions should not be viewed as being advantageous to one party or the other, but with the goal of feeding the relationship.
This needs to be differentiated between those in unhealthy relationships, where codependency, addiction, abuse, or other dysfunctions are often reasons for people to stay together, despite the poor outcomes. Invariably, this condition happens most frequently where one or both individuals suffers from low self-esteem.The role of commitment in a relationship is not so much that both people have the same level of commitment towards one another, only that their respective commitment profiles are acceptable by the other. When both feel comfortable with whatever that equilibrium is, it’s usually evident by virtue of a healthy relationship.